Diary Entry – 4th July 2023

Today has been a difficult day and partly the reason i have been on here a bit less than normal. My Mum noticed something peculiar with her hand and some muscle wasting and has been through a series of tests over the last few months. Stretching back to when we were in Agadir probably since the beginning of April and the thing that we feared the most has today been confirmed as much as can be for a disease that has no known test to diagnose. Unfortunately she has been diagnosed with early onset Motor Neurone Disease. Which really as a diagnosis is probably the worse news that you can hear.

I have obviously checked with my Mum about whether she minds me talking about it on these diary entries and i am hoping that talking about, or writing about it may help me a little bit. We had this appointment today in Wolverhampton. All the other tests had ruled out any other potentially illness that it could be so this one was to see a specialist really as although it is well known it is still very rare. I have been guilty of trying to deny it, or trying to pretend that it isn’t true. Selfishly for me more than anyone else, i have always been a Mummy’s boy and this the absolute worse possible outcome. I speak to my Mum probably 3 or 4 times a day everyday, sometimes about absolutely nothing. We both love Im a Celeb and we would call each other on the commercial breaks and gossip about what had happened. I am the youngest of 3 but as i was relatively young when my Mum and Dad split i don’t have any memories of them being together so my earliest childhood memories are always of my Mum.

We used to joke when i was younger that we would be Mrs Merton and Malcolm Merton. Which looking back really is a bit sad because he was a loner. But what we meant was that we would always be by the others side. I have found it quite difficult and i go through waves of feeling very depressed but then, almost instantly that transpires into anger. In my mind, My Mum who was a Nurse ward manager all of her life and has cared for people and raised us 3 and would give us her very last penny if we needed it. How can this happen to someone like that, how can that be fair? How can that be right? I just get so angry by it all. That then gets followed by guilt because i need to be strong for my Mum. And then the cycle starts again. It has been such a hard few months because when you see that as a symptom you always assume the worst and with each test another explanation gets ruled out and you get closer and closer to the harsh reality of it. Its a bit shit to be honest.